Sometimes the feelings you experience as a result of your desires and actions, can be overwhelming. And there comes a need to give vent to those thoughts, which might otherwise keep festering in your mind to no end. I am looking towards writing now as a catharsis for such thoughts. To give words and definition to my abstract feelings at periodic intervals in time. And to understand them better myself..
You tend to reach points in life where you look back on what you've achieved so far and where you've come. You know in your heart that you have worked towards this tirelessly. But how do you deem it satisfactory? How do you really measure success against the bars you might have set at the beginning? And if you find yourself disappointed at times, how do you dust yourself and keep going?
I have been asking such questions to myself a little more frequently these days. One of the reasons might be the sequence of events at my current workplace that has stirred the need to keep evaluating my career path and growth. But apart from the professional aspect, it is the need to know, in my heart, that I am better and more stable today than probably a year ago. I do not know if you'd call that wrong or giving myself a hard time But for a self-driven person like me, it matters to revisit my sources of motivation from time to time.
For example, one of the things that comes to mind is the ability to persuade. This is a skill that I have voluntarily not practiced because I always stuck to an idealistic perspective that if something is right, the others will see it eventually. However, I have learnt, that the very definition of "right", is highly subjective. Unless of course you are debating on something like how many bytes comprise an integer variable in a 64-bit architecture, most other things take into account, your own line of thought and your opinion. I used to believe being opinionated was a pompous turn-off. Now I know that it is an essential quality and without it, you will never earn the respect of your peers and leaders. I guess now it all makes sense, that the great kings and leaders and even more relevant scenarios like CEOs and Founders of successful companies, are where they are because they had an opinion about doing something a certain way. And that is precisely where the skill of persuasion transforms from just a communication medium to an art.
It even applies to the people in your life. Unless you value them enough to empathize, give helpful opinions and be enterprising in showing them that you care, it is hard to expect them to keep you close. These were very specific examples. What I am driving at is what have I achieved in general? Am I one of the best in what I do for my bread and butter? Have I improved at fostering relationships? Have I made it easier, in any way whatsoever, the day-to-day lives of people I come to associate with? Is this learning experience a blow to my morale or a rock that I can climb and feel triumphant about at the top? A LOT of questions..
In the midst of it all, I long for the simpler times as my eyes dwell upon a picture of me with my family from some 10 years ago. When my grandparents were still alive and I stayed with them almost my entire childhood. A few years since then, though I have come to relish independence and sustaining myself "on my own two feet", the way I want, I cant help but feel a little....hollow... The same kinds you experience, say when the journey to a dream destination was full of excitement and unknown adventures, but after reaching there, you go "YES! ..er... what next?" And analyzing if what you are running towards... is worth what you have left behind...
Ultimately, I wish to be a stronger, happier person. It is tough to get there always, but what really matters is whether the delta is positive each day. And to have an unwavering determination.. that you will make it happen - no matter what it takes.
